Ever sit around reading the dictionary just for the fun of it instead of watching the Olympics or a meaningless Cowboys preseason game on TV? Not very likely, even though there are so many different dictionaries to choose from, aside from the basic Webster’s which, incidentally, has been my best friend for lots of years.

Big choice in dictionaries out there: scientific, linguistic, crossword, slang, Old English, etymological (and here my “BFF” said that it defines the source and history of a word), and the list just goes on. Ah, but I have to stop at the medical dictionary. You see, I’m sure that my wife Marge, the retired RN (and just to be official, it says so on her Texas nursing license) among her treasure trove of medical books has a medical dictionary stashed away. But to bring a smile to Marge and the rest of the medical folks who may be reading this, here’s the unauthorized medical dictionary, thanks to a loyal reader who passed it on to me.

Artery: the study of paintings. Bacteria: back door to the cafeteria. Barium: what doctors do when patients die. Benign: what you be after you be eight. Caesarean section: a neighborhood in Rome. Cat scan: searching for kitty. Cauterize: made eye contact with her. Colic: a sheep dog. Coma: a punctuation mark. Dilate: to live long. Enema: not a friend. Fester: quicker than someone else. Fibula: a small lie. Impotent: distinguished, well known. Labor pain: getting hurt at work. Medical staff: a doctor’s cane. Morbid: a higher offer. Nitrates: cheaper than day rates.

Wait, there’s more. Outpatient: a person who has fainted. Pelvis: second cousin to Elvis. Post operative: a letter carrier. Recovery room: place to do upholstery. Rectum: dang near killed him. Secretion: hiding something. Seizure: Roman emperor. Tablet: a small table. Terminal illness: getting sick at the airport. Tumor: one plus one more. Urine: opposite of you’re out.

Now to be honest, wasn’t that worth shutting the TV off for fifteen minutes?